"Never eat more than you can lift."

Miss Piggy

On an average day, I could lift 20 kgs in each hand comfortably. In avocados, that's 50,000 calories. In iceberg lettuce, it's 5,600.  In brownies, it's 186,400.

Eating none of it appeals when I recall that, at my age and weight, in order to burn a mere 200 calories, I have to run at the moderate pace of a 10-minute mile for at least 20 minutes.

That’s roughly one small banana (minus Brazilian Wandering Spider) plus a tablespoon of unsweetened peanut butter. Eating the spider adds around 40 calories more.

Please don't eat a Brazilian Wandering Spider. Or if you do, not because I alluded to it in this blog. And if you do, perhaps that's just natural de-selection in action.

In brownie dead-weight terms, eating 186,400 calories would mean running non-stop for around two weeks at a moderate pace before I got back to where I began - except now with bleeding feet and no desire to carry on living. Not quite ready for that.

All of which brings me to: I’ve had to change a lot about what, how much and when I eat.  It keeps changing as I age, too. This is tricky, because Miss Piggy and I have had the same personal trainer for fifteen years and he also lives by Piggy's maxim that we should eat no more than we can lift.

But then, our personal trainer is a frog. He goes for green every time. And that's not easy.  [See what I did there?]

Menopause is even harder than being green. Though Kermit disagrees. What does he know about it? And don't tell Piggy, but I once caught him eating a bacon roll.

I digress.

Portion distortion is one of the many daily difficulties presented by the mixed blessings of living in abundance, as many of us do. It's also easily done when your mind's on other more important things (like how Calpol dosing guidelines for other people’s 2 - 4 year-olds should be doubled for air travel...).

I digress again.

Where was I?  Yes: Kermit eating bacon.  The average male frog of a certain vintage needs around only 0.5 of a calorie per day.

No.

No, I was saying something about changing what, how much and when I eat.

I have neither the headspace nor interest in measuring what I eat. Instead, I make salads, stews and snacks mostly using foods like:

Leafy greens

As wide as possible a range of vegetables (especially dark green, blue and purple)

As much onion, garlic, turmeric and ginger as I can pack into drinks and food

Fresh herbs

Animal protein and fish

Eggs

Pulses

Whole grains

Nuts, seeds and nut butters

Berries

Other fruit in limited quantity

Sheep yoghurt

Limited quantity of honey

Dark chocolate

Limited quantity of cheese

Olive oil

Spices, particularly cinnamon and cumin

Live vinegar

Fermented foods, like kombucha and kimchi

When I remember, I eat leafy greens, or things like courgette and broccoli first. This is because they are rich in soluble fibre, which slows the absorption of sugars from carbohydrates contained in the rest of the meal. This then lowers the sugar spike that can happen after eating.

Next, I eat protein and healthy fats (like avocado). Mixing protein with healthy fat helps to maintain a feeling of steady satiety, which helps me to avoid my old habit of binge-snacking. Putting the protein and healthy fat under the greens on my plate makes it more likely I'll eat in the right order.

Finally, if I'm going to eat a carbohydrate, I try to do it at the end of a meal. It's usually in the form of fruit, pulses or root vegetables.

In terms of quantity, I find it helps to eat from small bowls and side plates. Chewing properly is important, not only because it starts better digestion, but also because it sends a satiety signal to my over-active brain and stimulates the vagus nerve. See my post 'What happens in Vagus' for more on that.

Today, I'm finding it hard to do all the things I know I should do to stay well. It's been an exhausting week and there is too much going on.

So I am not going to work on this post any more. It's confused, unresolved and doesn't conclude. Just how my week's been.

I'm just going to stop there and go and make myself something yummy to eat, while contemplating how much of an effect Miss Piggy has had on my life.

Not always in good ways. Ask Kermit.

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